my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
