and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
