Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.