omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
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I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
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How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.