We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
