Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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