Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
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Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
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He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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