My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm at about main and main street
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
