I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
