"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
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Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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