A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
40s are totally the cure
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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