I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
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I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
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They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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