epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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