I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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