How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
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So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
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If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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