My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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