she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.