totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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