i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
