Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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