I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
