My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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