I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
