Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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