if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize