You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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