My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
