okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
