If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
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Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
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She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
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