Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No I am not eating basil off your cock
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When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
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I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.