You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
