No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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