ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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