I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
