After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.