just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
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After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
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Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.