You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
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I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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