thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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