so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dating After Heartbreak
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.