Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
