Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
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Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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