I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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