I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
