i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
