Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
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Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
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it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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