she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
