I am in a vortex of obligation.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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