I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
this hospital has no fireball
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.