Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
