this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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