Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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