I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
